Back in this post, I discussed an interesting hypothesis being bandied about concerning the wage gap: women don't ask.
The premise is that men tend to ask for things they want and negotiate far more than women do. Why women hate negotiating and avoid it when possible is the subject of Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever's book Women Don't Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide.
It's a powerful statement backed up by an equally powerful book. Though Women Don't Ask is only 200 pages, Babcock and Laschever pack those pages with statistics, psychology, anecdotes from women, and tons of information concerning not only how not negotiating affects wages, but how not asking for what they want affects every area of a woman's life.
Because women don't like to ask directly for things like raises and promotions, or negotiate their initial salaries the way men do, women typically start out making less than men. That initial 4% difference snowballs throughout a woman's career, leaving her much poorer than her male counterpart. "By not negotiating a first salary, an individual stands to lose more than $500,000 by age 60—and men are more than four times as likely as women to negotiate a first salary." And because women are less likely to ask for promotions (but tend to expect their good work to gain them advancement), they don't get as far up the company ladder as men do.
According to Babcock's and Laschever's research, it's not just in the workplace that women dislike negotiating. They will pay far more for a car, for instance, if they don't have to negotiate. They will settle for whatever they are offered in order to avoid the negotiation process.
Worse still, when women are assertive, confident and persistent, they are often labeled as "unfeminine" or "bitchy." Women executives can wind up at Bully Broads, a program designed to make these managers less aggressive--and therefore less threatening--to their male colleagues and subordinates.
Executive coach Jean Hollands, author of “Same Game, Different Rules,” makes her living training “bully broads,” executive women who don’t know how to make nice. Hollands has convinced her clients that leadership comes only to women smart enough curb their confrontational tactics and boost their sensitivity to subordinates. Men don’t need to worry about these things, but, as Hollands says, women must "fake it until they make it."
Obviously, such women aren't afraid to ask, but the price they pay for success may be quite steep.
But why don't women ask? That complex question is at the heart of Women Don't Ask. The authors contend that women don't ask for a lot of reasons, including that women tend to be less competitive than men and that women are conditioned to be less confrontational than men are.
It is this last premise--that women are taught early to be "other-oriented" and that demanding more is selfish--plays a large part in Babcock's and Laschever's book. When I took a course in law school called Women and the Law, I used to call this philosophy the "Men are evil" approach to life.
The theory plays up the historical subjugation of women to men. Filled with anecdotes from middle-aged women who remember being told that women aren't good at math and girls shouldn't do science, Women Don't Ask drums the Men Are Evil mantra into your head and you'll never forget it.
I'm not trying to dismiss historical prejudice against women. As I've pointed out to friends, in Texas, married women were treated like the mentally disabled and children. But whenever I read a book that says parents reinforce gender stereotypes by letting boys play with trains and girls play with dolls, my eyes glaze over. With two girls and a boy, I can tell you that not all girls want to play with dolls, but I don't want to discourage any of my children from being concerned about others. And I'm not sure how big a difference it makes who drives the car and who pays the bills.
While Women Don't Ask is filled with statistics and stories of discrimination, it is short on solutions. How do we prevent children from developing these stereotypical gender schemas? What part does personal choice play in which roles women and men adopt in society? And when (and should) the government enforce some sort of non-discrimination plan? And what would such a plan look like?
I agree with the authors that more women need to learn the importance of negotiation in achieving one's life goals. Because society expects women to behave in a less abrasive manner than men, most women are unwilling to ignore complaints or punishment to get a fairer share both in the workplace and at home. I'm just not sure what the authors expect the rest of us to do with their information.
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